Maybe, it’s not.

A still from the film “Jules et Jim”

Heres the thing, I have tried numerous times to write about the regular things in life that I find interesting. Such as, bizarre Uber experiences, loneliness in New York, the cool bars I enjoy, meeting men (etc, etc). Pretty much my liberating yet confined adventures here as a young lady in one of the most heavily populated cities in the world.

I CAN’T

Right now, not too much is making sense. Maybe its because I’m naive with not too much experience but, also maybe it’s not.

When I was younger my friend and I constantly gawked at any sign of affection from any potential lover. We loved each other instead. We were having a blast, staying out really late without any responsibilities, laughing really loud, wearing dirty clothes and running around our shitty North Carolina town. It just made sense to keep the idea of any relationship status changing very far from the present. So of course any sign of genuine interest from the other party was something that we stuck our tongues out to and laughed whilst running into the sunset.

Recently I’ve found myself tripping into heartbreaks over and over again. Weekly I’ve called my mother either crying in a puddle of my own mistakes or, elated for my future with the “love of my life.” So with all of this babbling on a topic that makes me so happy yet so perplexed here are some lessons I’ve learned that have either shattered or built me.


ADMIT YOUR INSECURITIES:
UGH this is the hardest thing for me. Admitting my insecurities to myself and not projecting them onto my partner is so important. Growing up I always had this idea that jealousy was a healthy reaction from your partner and necessary for relationships. “Its how you know they care”. NOOOOO!

Jealousy is not an opportunity to ambush your partner with unexpected, harsh feelings that are usually very temporary. Take a breath and really look at your situation before speaking on it. This was something I learned from a very patient, loving person and it made me adjust the way I communicated the uncomfortable feelings I inevitably do/will have.

CRY (LOL)
Several subway rides have had my tears on the trains floor, several floral pillows are marked with mascara stains but, once I have a grip on my emotions its easier to begin self-soothing.

Things like taking baths, cleaning my apartment, exploring the city, getting a drink with my girls.
Just admit “okay, this is where I am now and I’ll get over this soon enough.”

YOU ARE YOUR OWN PERSON NO ONE ELSES:
Do NOT stop doing the things you love!!!!! Have “me” days. Yes, it’s nice to spend time with someone I am so fond of but, making sure that I still have my alone time is so important, for myself and the other person. Maintaining my daily routine, going to the gym, enjoying the company of people that aren’t in the same friend group, dancing at my favorite bar, expressing myself creatively, maintaining my views and opinions but, with an open mind to theirs. Yes, of course spend time with someone you want to spend time with but, allow them to cater to their own needs and wants while also focusing on yours. Its really hard to find the sweet spot but, when it happens it’s such a happy place. It’s so important to hold onto the things that make you happy aside from that person.

LISTEN TO YOUR HEART BABY:
This is going to be short and sweet, if it doesn’t feel right- don’t stay.

I am aware that I am not some love guru with all the answers and y’know, my heart will probably be broken again but, thats okay. I’m not afraid of it. I want to have these experiences, and I want to continue loving in my passionate, unfiltered, freeing way.

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